Area Mom Sentenced To 35 Years After Refusing To Let Teens 'Just Have Fun, God, You're So Uptight'

RIVERSIDE, CA — In what legal experts are calling the nation's most devastating blow to 'cool moms' everywhere, a California woman was sentenced Thursday to 35 years in prison after throwing a series of alcohol-fueled parties for minors, effectively ending her reign as the neighborhood's most popular adult and crushing the dreams of roughly forty teenagers who had already begun calling her 'Mom Two.'

'I just wanted them to have a safe space,' said Karen Brewski, 43, who reportedly decorated her basement with neon signs reading 'YOLO' and 'ADULTING IS OVERRATED' and had replaced all furniture with beanbag chairs. 'Where else were these kids supposed to go? A library? I think not.'

Brewski, who maintained a strict door policy requiring guests to know at least two TikTok dances, had reportedly been operating the parties for three years under the slogan 'Mi casa es su casa, as long as your casa's parents don't know you're here.'

Prosecutors told the court that Brewski had gone to extraordinary lengths to secure her title as the 'Fun Mom,' including purchasing a vending machine stocked exclusively with Smirnoff Ice, hiring a DJ who specialized in songs that 'had bad words in them,' and introducing herself to all guests as simply 'K-Brez, not a parent, just a vibe.'

'The defendant genuinely seemed confused as to why any of this was illegal,' said District Attorney Patricia Holden, who spent three minutes of her closing argument just slowly shaking her head. 'At one point she submitted a formal character reference from a 15-year-old named Brody who described her as, and I quote, an absolute legend.'

Brewski's attorney attempted to argue that his client was simply operating 'an informal social skills development program,' and that the alcohol was merely a 'confidence-building supplement.' The jury deliberated for 45 minutes, which included a 40-minute lunch break.

Upon hearing the verdict, Brewski reportedly turned to the teens who had attended the parties and, through tears, whispered, 'Tell Brody I said he better get into a good college.'

At press time, prison officials confirmed that Brewski had already begun petitioning to redecorate Cell Block D and had proposed making Fridays 'totally chill nights.'