Area Paper Mill Tank Heroically Implodes, Immediately Regrets Decision When Confronted By Longview Officials

LONGVIEW, WA — Following what authorities are calling 'the most embarrassing structural decision a tank has made in recent memory,' Longview officials confirmed Saturday that all nine workers who had gone missing after a white liquor tank implosion at a local paper mill have been successfully located, identified, and handed business cards so they never have to go through anything like this again.

'We found all nine individuals and we are pleased to report that the tank has been spoken to very firmly,' said Longview Emergency Management Director Carl Pusslethwaite, 54, gesturing sternly at a pile of crumpled metal. 'Quite frankly, the tank knew what it was doing was wrong, and yet it proceeded anyway. That is not the Nippon way.'

The white liquor tank, which had reportedly been 'acting weird all week' according to coworkers, allegedly imploded without filing the proper implosion paperwork or giving workers the standard two-week notice that it intended to catastrophically collapse inward upon itself.

'You just don't do that,' said mill worker Randy Ogilvie, shaking his head slowly while staring into the middle distance. 'My grandfather worked with tanks his whole life and they always had the decency to explode outward like God intended. This implosion stuff is frankly a little pretentious.'

Officials say the nine missing workers were eventually found in a variety of locations including a nearby break room, a Wendy's parking lot two miles away, and, in one case, inexplicably inside a different tank that was described as 'much more emotionally stable.'

The recovered workers were each given a warm blanket, a cup of coffee, and a pamphlet titled 'So A Tank Just Imploded Near You: What To Feel And When To Feel It.'

At press time, three other tanks at the facility were reportedly behaving 'suspiciously normal,' which officials described as 'deeply concerning.'