Attorney General Announces IRS Will No Longer Audit Trump, Citing 'Too Many Numbers, Very Confusing, Sad'

WASHINGTON — In a landmark decision celebrated by accountants everywhere who were frankly getting tired of all that paperwork, Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche announced this week that the Department of Justice would be dropping a $1.8 billion investigation into President Trump's finances, stating that the whole thing was 'super complicated' and that the IRS agents involved 'looked kind of mean, honestly.'

'After careful review, we have determined that numbers are just symbols, really, and who's to say what any of them mean,' Blanche told a room full of legislators who had stopped blinking approximately forty-five minutes earlier. 'A billion here, a billion there — at some point you're just talking about abstract concepts. Philosophy, really.'

The decision also includes a standing order prohibiting the IRS from investigating Trump's family members, his businesses, his golf courses, his fragrances, his steaks, his now-defunct university, his casinos, his other casinos, and a limited liability company registered in Delaware under the name 'Definitely Not Donald Trump LLC.'

IRS Commissioner Gary Werfel, reached for comment, said his agency was 'fully on board' with the new directive, adding that his agents had already repurposed their Trump audit binders as 'very expensive coasters.'

Sources inside the DOJ say the move is part of a broader initiative called 'Operation Let's Just Not,' which aims to streamline government by eliminating investigations that are, in the words of one senior official, 'kind of a bummer.'

Critics of the decision have raised concerns about the precedent it sets, though those critics were asked to please hold their concerns in a sealed envelope and mail them to an address in Mar-a-Lago that just turns out to be a gift shop.

'This is a great day for America,' Trump posted on Truth Social shortly after the announcement. 'The IRS was always very unfair to me, very nasty people, lots of pencils, very sharp, dangerous. Nobody knows more about pencils than me, actually.'

At press time, the Department of Justice had also quietly dropped investigations into Trump's tax returns, his business dealings, his foundation, and a 1987 incident in which he allegedly jaywalked outside a Sizzler in Queens.