Brazilian Senate Rejects Supreme Court Nominee After He Fails to Turn Water Into Wine During Confirmation Hearing

BRASÍLIA, BRAZIL — In a stunning upset that legal experts are calling 'biblically unprecedented,' the Brazilian Senate rejected President Lula's Supreme Court nominee Jorge Messias after the evangelical candidate failed to demonstrate basic miracle-working abilities during his confirmation hearing.

Senators, who had initially appeared receptive to Messias's religious credentials, quickly turned against the nominee when he was unable to multiply loaves and fishes during the lunch break, sources confirmed.

'We were looking for someone who could truly deliver divine justice,' explained Senator Carlos Viana, while adjusting his 'What Would Jesus Do?' tie clip. 'But when we asked him to part the Red Sea — or at least the Potomac River in the Senate cafeteria — he just stood there like a regular human being.'

The confirmation hearing took an awkward turn when Messias attempted to compensate for his lack of supernatural powers by reciting Bible verses in Portuguese, Spanish, and what witnesses described as 'either ancient Aramaic or very confident gibberish.'

'I've been preparing for this position my entire career,' Messias told reporters while sadly packing his ceremonial robes. 'I have degrees from three universities, thirty years of legal experience, and an unblemished record of public service. But apparently that's not enough if you can't heal the blind or raise the dead on command.'

Senate Majority Leader Rodrigo Pacheco defended the decision, noting that the Supreme Court's workload requires 'someone who can work actual miracles, not just legal ones.' He added that the position remains open to candidates who can demonstrate at least two major biblical miracles and preferably some experience with divine revelation.

President Lula's office released a statement expressing disappointment but vowing to find a nominee who meets the Senate's 'apparently supernatural qualifications.' The President is reportedly considering approaching Moses, though sources indicate he may have scheduling conflicts.