CBS News Poll Reveals California Voters Still Looking for Actual Human Being to Run for Governor

SACRAMENTO, CA — A shocking new CBS News poll released Monday reveals that California primary voters' top priority in the gubernatorial race isn't healthcare, the economy, or climate change, but rather finding a candidate who can definitively prove they are a real human being.

According to the survey of 1,200 likely voters, 73% said their primary concern was "basic species verification," while 68% expressed they would "settle for any warm-blooded mammal at this point."

"We've had some really interesting candidates this cycle," said poll director Martha Henderson. "There's the AI chatbot that somehow got on the ballot, the suspiciously articulate golden retriever, and what appears to be three raccoons in a trench coat running as 'Bob Thompson.'"

The poll found that ahead of Tuesday's debate, the race remains wide open largely because moderators are still trying to figure out how to fact-check a candidate whose campaign platform consists entirely of barking and whose policy positions are communicated through interpretive dance.

Voter Sarah Martinez of San Diego told pollsters, "I don't care if they're Democrat or Republican anymore. I just want someone who can hold a pen without their handler giving them a treat."

The debate, scheduled for 8 PM Pacific Time, will feature special accommodations including a fire hydrant podium, voice translation software, and a team of veterinarians standing by as medical staff.