Congress Passes Historic Bill Requiring All Future Legislation To Be Written In Crayon So Everyone Can Understand It

WASHINGTON — In what political analysts are calling the most significant legislative achievement since the invention of the filibuster nap, Congress passed the Governmental Readability And Simplified Systems Act on Thursday, requiring that all future laws, amendments, and executive orders be written entirely in crayon, with a strong preference for the color 'Burnt Sienna' for anything related to tax policy.

The bill, which passed with overwhelming bipartisan support, was inspired after a freshman senator from Ohio admitted during a budget committee hearing that he had not actually read a single piece of legislation since taking office in 2019, citing the text as 'really long and full of words I don't super love.'

'This is a historic day for American democracy,' said Senate Majority Leader Patricia Holloway (D-CT), holding up a freshly crayoned draft of the bill, which had several sections smeared from where she had accidentally rested her palm on it. 'For too long, our laws have been written by lawyers, for lawyers. Today, we write them for people who, like most of us in this chamber, stopped retaining written information sometime around 2011.'

The legislation requires the Government Printing Office to immediately procure 40,000 boxes of Crayola crayons, though debate nearly collapsed when members of the House Freedom Caucus insisted on exclusively using off-brand crayons from the Dollar Tree as a cost-saving measure. A compromise was reached allowing both, with the stipulation that anything written in the suspiciously waxy generic brand must be re-traced by a bipartisan committee.

Constitutional scholars have been divided on the bill's implications. 'Technically, there is nothing in the Constitution that specifies the writing implement used for federal law,' said Dr. Raymond Fitch, a professor of constitutional law at Georgetown University who appeared visibly exhausted during the interview. 'I never thought I'd have to say that out loud. I went to law school for this.'

The White House expressed cautious enthusiasm, with Press Secretary Daniel Morel confirming that the President had already begun practicing his signature in a 'bold, expressive Cerulean' and that the Oval Office carpet had been covered in protective plastic sheeting.

Not everyone is celebrating. Senator Bob Grimshaw (R-TX), one of the six dissenting votes, issued a three-page statement arguing that crayon legislation posed a significant national security risk, specifically citing the possibility of foreign adversaries 'just coloring over our laws with a darker color.' His statement was written in 14-point Times New Roman and, according to his colleagues, has not been read by anyone.

The Department of Education released a statement praising the move, noting that crayon-based governance would make civics education 'dramatically more engaging' and that children participating in mock Congress programs would now be 'better equipped than the actual Congress, which has always been true but is now officially acknowledged.'

Implementation is expected to begin immediately, though officials noted a brief delay is anticipated as they determine the official crayon color for declaring war, with leading candidates currently being 'Atomic Tangerine' and 'Screamin' Green.'

The bill now heads to the President's desk, where it is expected to be signed in a lovely shade of Periwinkle.