Corporate All-Hands: VP Of Flu Announces Upgraded Flu Shot, Concedes That Announcing Upgraded Flu Shot May Not Be Enough To Make People Want The Upgraded Flu Shot

MELVILLE, N.Y. — In what internal documents are calling a 'Phase One Announcement With Phase Two To Be Determined Pending Stakeholder Sentiment Alignment,' regional health leadership gathered Wednesday in a hotel conference room off the Seaford-Oyster Bay Expressway to formally unveil mFlusiva, a next-generation mRNA influenza vaccine described by presenters as 'meaningfully better,' 'clinically superior,' and 'still a shot, yes, we understand that is the part.'

The presentation, which was scheduled for forty-five minutes and ran until the hotel asked everyone to leave for a bat mitzvah, opened with a slide reading 'GREAT NEWS' in 72-point font, followed immediately by a slide reading 'SOME CONTEXT MAY BE REQUIRED.'

'mFlusiva represents a significant leap forward in flu prevention technology,' said Regional Director of Vaccine Communications Pamela Doust, advancing to slide three, which depicted a very confident arm. 'It uses the same mRNA platform that experts estimate saved over three million American lives through COVID vaccination, which we are mentioning now because we were told it would help and we are choosing to believe that.'

At this point, an attendee in the third row raised his hand and asked if the shot contained 'the thing.' Dr. Doust confirmed that she would need him to be more specific about the thing. The man said he was not prepared to be more specific about the thing at this time but that he had 'read something.' A follow-up slide was produced. It did not address the thing.

According to a survey cited midway through the presentation, only 56% of Americans currently believe mRNA vaccines are safe, a figure that prompted the VP of Flu — a title confirmed by his lanyard — to pause, look at the number for a long moment, and say 'okay' in a tone that suggested the meeting had just become something else.

'We want to be clear,' said VP of Flu Theodore Bracken, loosening his collar slightly, 'that the vaccine being effective and the vaccine being perceived as effective are two distinct deliverables, and we are currently resourced for one of them.'

Health officials confirmed that Long Islanders in particular have been identified as a 'priority engagement population,' defined internally as 'a group that will absolutely argue with a doctor in a parking lot and also bring receipts.' A dedicated outreach task force has been assembled, consisting of three epidemiologists, one person whose job title is 'Trust Architect,' and a woman named Diane who apparently 'really connects with people in Massapequa.'

Diane was not present at the briefing. Her calendar, according to a deputy, 'shows a lot of drive time.'

The Q&A portion of the all-hands, which organizers budgeted ten minutes for and which consumed the structural integrity of the entire afternoon, surfaced the following questions, none of which were about mFlusiva's mechanism of action: whether the shot is free; whether free means there is a catch; whether the catch is the shot; what the government gets out of this; and whether it is okay to wait until next year, specifically.

On the question of waiting until next year, Dr. Doust replied that flu season does not wait until next year, then immediately acknowledged that she understood how that sounded and that she was not trying to pressure anyone and that the phrase 'flu season does not wait' would be removed from the slide deck before the next all-hands.

At press time, the slide deck had been revised, the sentence in question replaced with a softer line reading: 'Flu season operates on its own timeline, which we respect, and which also starts in October.'

Diane has reportedly made contact with three households in Wantagh. Two went well. Officials describe the third as 'ongoing.'