Cuba Assures Last Remaining Tourist That He Is Not, In Fact, 'The Last Remaining Tourist,' Just A 'Very Special VIP Guest With Exclusive Island Access'

HAVANA — Following the departure of Meliá, Iberostar, Blue Diamond, and Archipiélago International in what government officials are calling 'a totally normal and planned rotation of hospitality partners,' Cuba's Ministry of Tourism announced Monday that the island nation has pivoted to a bold new business model: selling the entire country as a single, uninterrupted all-inclusive resort to whatever tourist shows up.

'Congratulations, Mr. Gerald Hoffmann of Stuttgart, Germany,' Tourism Minister Carlos Fernández reportedly told the visibly confused 67-year-old retiree who landed in Havana on Tuesday. 'You have been selected to experience Cuba: The Private Island. Every beach is yours. Every crumbling colonial building is yours. Every government employee you encounter is, technically, your personal concierge.'

Hoffmann, who booked the trip in 2023 using a Groupon he found while searching for deals on orthopedic sandals, said he was 'a little concerned' when his hotel turned out to be a repurposed municipal building staffed entirely by men named Roberto.

'There are seventeen Robertos,' Hoffmann told reporters, 'and they are all very helpful, but none of them seem to know where the pool is.'

Cuban state media celebrated the departure of the four hotel chains as 'a triumphant reclaiming of national hospitality identity,' publishing a full-page editorial titled 'Who Needs Iberostar When You Have The Spirit Of The Revolution And Also This Perfectly Good Hammock.'

The editorial did not address questions about electricity.

Officials also announced a new tourism slogan — 'Cuba: You'll Have The Whole Place To Yourself (For Reasons)' — printed on brochures that are currently being hand-delivered by moped to travel agencies in Madrid, Montreal, and that one guy in Ohio who keeps emailing asking if cigars are included.

Meanwhile, the four departing hotel chains held a joint press conference in Miami where executives confirmed they had 'absolutely no comment' while visibly speed-walking toward their cars.

At press time, Gerald Hoffmann had been named Honorary Minister of Tourism after one of the seventeen Robertos accidentally handed him a government stamp.