Dana White Declares Grasso's Victory 'So Historic' He's Retiring All Other Sports

LAS VEGAS — In a move that shocked absolutely no one familiar with his tendency toward hyperbole, UFC President Dana White announced Tuesday that Alexa Grasso's recent victory was so transcendent that he's personally shutting down all other sports worldwide.

'Listen, I've seen some great finishes in my time,' said White, gesturing wildly at a hastily assembled press conference. 'But this? This makes the Miracle on Ice look like a minor inconvenience. Muhammad Ali floating like a butterfly? More like stumbling around like a confused moth compared to what Grasso did.'

White went on to explain that he had already contacted the International Olympic Committee to cancel all future games, called the NFL to inform them that the Super Bowl is 'basically unwatchable now,' and personally drove to Wimbledon to dig up the grass courts with a shovel.

'I'm not even sure what the official method of victory was,' White admitted, 'but honestly, it doesn't matter. Whether it was a submission, knockout, or interpretive dance, it has rendered every other athletic achievement in human history completely meaningless.'

The UFC President concluded the conference by announcing that NASA has agreed to beam footage of Grasso's fight into space 'so that alien civilizations can witness true greatness,' adding that he expects them to immediately abandon their own sports in favor of MMA.

At press time, White was reportedly in negotiations to have Mount Rushmore demolished and replaced with a giant statue of Grasso mid-finish.