Democrats Reportedly Hiding Under Desks After Mysterious 'Power Player' Whispers Mean Things About Them at Whole Foods

WASHINGTON - The Democratic Party has entered full-scale panic mode after a shadowy figure known only as 'The Power Player' allegedly muttered disparaging comments about their collective character while shopping for quinoa salad ingredients, sources confirm.

Witnesses report that the mysterious political heavyweight - described as 'someone who definitely knows where the good parking spots are at fundraising events' - was overheard telling his shopping companion that Democrats were 'weak and woke' before disappearing into the frozen foods aisle.

'We've never seen anything like it,' said Democratic strategist Margaret Spinwell, speaking from underneath her mahogany desk. 'One minute we were confidently planning campaign strategies for 2028, and the next minute Steve from accounting ran in screaming that someone said we were weak AND woke. We immediately implemented Code Orange and began our standard hiding protocols.'

The comment has reportedly sent shockwaves through the party, with several senators constructing elaborate pillow forts in their offices and House members forming prayer circles around vending machines. Party Chair Jaime Harrison was last seen practicing power poses in a bathroom mirror while repeating 'I am strong and unwoke' 47 times.

'The fact that this Power Player branded his own party as weak and woke suggests he might be a Democrat himself,' noted political analyst Chuck Rotunda. 'This level of friendly fire hasn't been seen since the Great Circular Firing Squad Incident of 2019.'

Democrats are now reportedly spending $50 million on a comprehensive investigation to determine whether being called 'weak and woke' constitutes a compliment, an insult, or just an accurate weather forecast for their political climate.

At press time, the Power Player was spotted purchasing kombucha and hummus, causing three nearby campaign volunteers to faint.