Department of Nonsense Issues Formal Correction After Company's 'Open Door Policy' Results In Seventeen Consecutive Doors Being Physically Removed, Facilities Team Requests Clarification On Scope

OFFICIAL STATEMENT — DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE, BUREAU OF WORKPLACE LITERALISM

Dellworth & Associates, a mid-size operational synergy firm headquartered in a city it describes as 'greater,' is facing mounting internal chaos this week after a company-wide all-hands announcement promoting its renewed commitment to an 'open door policy' was interpreted by facilities coordinator Glenn Purcell as a binding work order.

By 9:40 a.m. Tuesday, Purcell and a team of two had removed seventeen doors across three floors, including two emergency exits, one server room entrance, and what witnesses described as 'a door that was definitely just a wall with a handle on it.' The latter has since been reclassified as structural.

'I've been waiting three years for executive alignment on this,' Purcell told colleagues via the company Slack channel #facilities-wins before the channel was quietly archived. 'Leadership said open doors. We opened the doors. I don't know what the problem is.'

The problem, according to a forty-slide remediation deck distributed Thursday, is substantial.

CEO Patricia Vollmer addressed employees in an emergency follow-up all-hands, which sources confirm was held in a conference room that no longer had a door, lending the meeting what several attendees called 'an ironic ambiance.' Vollmer clarified that the open door policy was intended to signal psychological accessibility, not structural modification, and that all references to 'tearing down walls' in the Q2 culture deck should likewise be treated as figurative.

A spokesperson for the Department of Nonsense confirmed it had issued a formal Metaphor Misapplication Notice, the fourteenth of the fiscal year, and called the incident 'a predictable outcome of organizations that use language with confidence and without precision.'

'When a company says it has an open door policy, it is deploying what we classify as a Decorative Commitment,' said Dr. Renata Foss, senior fellow at the Institute for Corporate Linguistics and part-time door enthusiast. 'It is not an instruction. It is a vibe. Glenn treated it as an instruction. Glenn was not wrong to do so. That is the tragedy here.'

Human Resources has since distributed a four-page glossary titled 'What We Mean When We Say What We Say,' which defines 'open door' as 'a door that is closed but could theoretically be opened upon request, scheduling permitting.' The glossary is currently under revision after employees flagged that 'unlimited PTO' appears on page three without a footnote.

Purcell, who has not been disciplined and remains 'an invaluable part of the team' per a statement he was asked to help draft, said he is cautiously optimistic about the resolution process.

'They mentioned a transparent culture in the all-hands last fall,' he noted. 'I've got quotes out.'

Dellworth & Associates declined to comment on whether the doors would be reinstalled, citing 'ongoing strategic review.' The server room remains accessible to anyone walking past it.

The Department of Nonsense asks all organizations to review their metaphor portfolios before the end of Q3. Compliance is voluntary but 'strongly encouraged,' which the Department acknowledges may itself require clarification.