Department of Nonsense Mandates All Federal Policy Decisions Be Run Through a Magic 8-Ball Until Further Notice, Cites 'Comparable Accuracy Metrics'

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what senior officials are calling 'a bold and frankly overdue modernization of the federal decision-making apparatus,' the Department of Nonsense released an 847-page policy briefing Tuesday mandating that all executive branch agencies incorporate a Magic 8-Ball into their standard operating procedures, effective immediately and until the Magic 8-Ball says otherwise.

The directive, titled 'Optimizing Outcome Determinacy Through Spherical Probabilistic Consultation: A Framework,' was distributed to all 437 federal agencies along with a regulation-compliant Magic 8-Ball, a laminated quick-reference guide, and a strongly worded cover memo reminding staff that shaking the device 'more than three times constitutes lobbying and must be disclosed.'

'After extensive review of federal decision-making outcomes over the past several decades, our analysts identified a statistically significant overlap between Magic 8-Ball response accuracy and existing policy accuracy,' said Department of Nonsense Undersecretary Pamela R. Grout at a press briefing that ended abruptly when she shook a Magic 8-Ball live on camera and it read 'Don't Count On It.' 'We are confident this represents the future of governance.'

The briefing outlines a tiered consultation system. Decisions classified as 'minor,' such as staple allocation and the naming of federal breakrooms, require a single shake. Decisions classified as 'significant,' including infrastructure spending and the declaration of national emergencies, require three shakes and a witness. Decisions classified as 'extremely significant,' including any matter involving the word 'bipartisan,' require seven shakes, a notarized affidavit, and the physical presence of at least one individual who has previously read the full terms and conditions of something.

'This is arguably the most coherent policy framework I have reviewed in thirty years,' said Dr. Harold Finch, a senior fellow at the Institute for Procedural Governance and Load-Bearing Bureaucracy. 'The 8-Ball's response set is limited but unambiguous. No one has ever accused it of being vague in a committee hearing.'

Not everyone is supportive. Senator Dale Vickers of an unspecified midwestern state called the directive 'an affront to the deliberative process,' then paused, shook the provided Magic 8-Ball, read the result, and quietly withdrew his objection without elaboration.

The Department of Nonsense emphasized that the Magic 8-Ball will serve in an advisory capacity only and cannot be subpoenaed, though legal counsel noted that technically it has not been tested. Agencies have been instructed that in the event the device responds 'Reply Hazy, Try Again,' staff should interpret this as a signal to 'schedule a follow-up working group, produce a summary document, and check back in Q3.'

The full policy briefing is available on the Department of Nonsense website, pending the 8-Ball's confirmation that the website is ready to receive traffic. As of press time, the response was 'Ask Again Later.'