Department of War Reveals Four Soldiers Lost During Epic Tantrum Operation Were Actually Just Playing Hide-and-Seek Really Well

WASHINGTON — In a stunning reversal that has left military families both relieved and deeply confused, the Department of War announced Monday that the four soldiers previously reported as casualties during February's 'Operation Epic Fury' were actually just playing an incredibly successful game of hide-and-seek.

The soldiers — Privates Johnson, Martinez, Chen, and Williams — were reportedly discovered this week crammed inside a supply closet at Fort Bragg, having survived entirely on MREs and arguing in whispers about who was supposed to be 'it.'

'We're honestly impressed,' said General Patricia Hawkins, wiping away tears of mixed emotion. 'When we launched Operation Epic Fury, we expected a standard military engagement. We did not expect Sergeant Rodriguez to suggest a morale-building game that would result in four of our finest disappearing so completely that we assumed they had perished in combat.'

The confusion began when the four soldiers, tasked with what they believed was a 'strategic positioning exercise,' found the perfect hiding spot and refused to emerge even when they heard search parties looking for them. 'We thought it was part of the game,' explained Private Johnson. 'Plus, Williams brought a deck of cards and Martinez does really good impressions.'

Iran has issued a statement expressing bewilderment about the entire situation, noting that they were never actually involved in any military operation and spent February 28th hosting a national cake decorating competition.

The Department of War has since implemented new protocols requiring all military exercises to clearly distinguish between 'actual operations' and 'really intense games of hide-and-seek.'