Federal Judge Orders Kennedy Center To Locate, Retrieve, And Formally Apologize To Each Individual Letter Of Trump's Name

OFFICIAL STATEMENT Department of Nonsense, Bureau of Name Removals and Symbolic Reassignments Case No. 2025-SIGN-0047 | Classification: Mildly Urgent, Extremely Awkward

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Nonsense wishes to formally acknowledge that a federal judge has, as of Friday, declined to pause a court-ordered deadline requiring the Kennedy Center to remove all references to President Trump from the building's walls, signage, donor plaques, commemorative bricks, the brisket on the catering menu, and one (1) mural depicting what staff described as 'a general vibe of the man.'

The Kennedy Center, upon receiving this ruling, immediately filed an appeal. The appeal was rejected. The Kennedy Center then appealed the rejection. That was also rejected. Sources inside the institution confirm a third appeal is being drafted, described internally as 'longer this time, with more feeling.'

The Department wishes to remind all parties that the law, in its current form, does not recognize 'but we already had the plaques made' as a legal defense, despite the argument being raised no fewer than four times during Friday's proceedings.

A spokesperson for the Kennedy Center stated that the removal process is expected to take 'several hours, two lifts, and one very uncomfortable conversation with the guy who installed everything.' Workers arriving on-site Friday were issued official Disambiguation Kits, which include a putty knife, a printed copy of the court order, and a laminated FAQ sheet addressing the question 'but what do we put there instead?' The answer, per the FAQ, is 'that is not our department.'

Judge Patricia Holloway, who issued the original ruling, declined to comment but was observed leaving the courthouse at a brisk, purposeful pace suggesting she has dealt with enough.

The Department further notes that this is the third time in recorded American history that a performing arts venue has been involved in federal litigation, and the first time the litigation was specifically about whether a name on a wall constitutes a form of governance. Legal scholars described the precedent as 'novel,' 'exhausting,' and 'genuinely a sentence I did not expect to type this decade.'

As of press time, the letters T, R, U, M, and P have been removed from the building's north facade and are being held in a temperature-controlled storage unit in Arlington, Virginia, pending further instruction. The letter P is reportedly fine. The others could not be reached for comment.

The Department of Nonsense will continue to monitor the situation and issue updates as warranted. Citizens are advised to remain calm, attend the symphony, and refrain from filing additional appeals.

This has been an official statement.

— Department of Nonsense Bureau of Name Removals and Symbolic Reassignments 'If It's On A Wall, It's Our Problem Now'