Federal Study Finds 94% Of People Who Say 'Almost There' On Phone Are Stationary, Parked, Or In A Different State

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In findings that researchers are describing as 'both groundbreaking and deeply upsetting,' a team of scientists at the National Institute of Built Environment Studies has confirmed that the door close button present in an estimated 97.4% of American elevators serves no mechanical function whatsoever and exists solely to give passengers something to do with their hands during moments of social discomfort.

The study, which took eleven years and cost approximately $4.2 million in federal funding, used high-resolution sensor mapping, behavioral observation, and what lead researcher Dr. Pamela Troft described as 'an almost unbearable amount of elevator rides' to reach its conclusions.

'We can now say with full scientific confidence that pressing the button does nothing,' said Dr. Troft at a press briefing Tuesday morning. 'We can also say that pressing it repeatedly and with increasing urgency does slightly less than nothing. We are classifying this behavior as aspirational, which is the scientific way of saying it is very human and also completely pointless.'

The findings have prompted the Department of Infrastructure Behavior and Mild Public Inconvenience to issue a formal Public Safety Alert — rated Level 2 out of a possible 5, placing it just above 'a slightly sticky escalator handrail' and just below 'a revolving door that spins 15% too fast.'

The alert encourages citizens to 'maintain composure,' 'refrain from making eye contact with other elevator passengers while pressing the button,' and 'under no circumstances acknowledge aloud that the button is not working, as this creates a social situation for which no formal protocol exists.'

Building engineers and elevator manufacturers have known about the button's non-functionality since at least 1993, according to documents obtained through a Freedom of Information Act request filed by a retired school librarian in Akron, Ohio, who described her motivation simply as 'a hunch.'

'We refer to it internally as a 'comfort feature,'' said Gerald Moss, a spokesperson for the American Elevator and Lift Consortium, in a statement that his publicist later asked reporters to describe as 'context, not admission.' 'People feel better when they press it. Feeling better is a kind of function. We stand by the button philosophically.'

Neurologists contacted for this story confirmed that the act of pressing the button triggers a minor dopamine response associated with perceived agency, meaning the button is technically doing something — just not to the elevator.

'The brain believes it is in control,' explained Dr. Yusuf Cheung of the Stanford Center for Illusory Competence. 'The elevator does not share this belief. This is what we call an asymmetric relationship, and it is frankly one of the more stable ones we have documented in the built environment.'

Authorities are urging the public not to panic, noting that panic in an elevator creates additional complications that are 'beyond the current scope of the advisory.' A follow-up report examining the crosswalk button situation is expected to be released in the fall, pending ethical review board approval and what one official described as 'a period of collective readiness that we do not believe has arrived yet.'

In the meantime, the button will remain in all elevators. Removing it, officials noted, 'would raise questions we are not prepared to answer at this time.'