Florida Man Insists Boat 'Just Needed To Sneeze' After Exploding With 11 People On Board

MIAMI, FL — Florida wildlife officials confirmed Monday they are investigating a suspected boat explosion that sent 11 passengers to the hospital, though the boat's owner, 54-year-old Daryl Pumphrey, is standing firmly by his assertion that his watercraft was 'just having a moment.'

'She's been under a lot of stress lately,' said Pumphrey, gesturing lovingly toward what investigators described as 'a floating debris field that used to be a boat.' 'Mercury in retrograde, you know how it is.'

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, which typically spends its time counting manatees and asking tourists not to wrestle alligators, said this marks the third time this quarter they have been forced to investigate something they described in their official report as 'a profoundly avoidable situation.'

'We handle wildlife,' said FWC spokesperson Brenda Calloway, staring blankly into the middle distance. 'We do not handle this. Yet somehow, we always handle this.'

Survivors aboard the vessel reported smelling gasoline for approximately forty-five minutes before the explosion, during which time Pumphrey reportedly assured everyone it was 'just the boat's personality.' He also allegedly told passengers the ominous clicking sounds coming from the engine were the boat 'trying to beatbox.'

All 11 passengers were transported to Miami-Dade Medical Center with burns and traumatic injuries, where they were treated and reportedly issued complimentary 'I Survived Florida' bumper stickers as part of a new hospital wellness initiative.

Pumphrey himself escaped unharmed, which locals say is 'statistically on-brand for Florida.'

'The boat is fine, by the way,' Pumphrey added, unprompted, at a press conference no one invited him to. 'Spiritually speaking.'

The investigation is ongoing. Florida has asked the nation to please stop being surprised.