Former FBI Director James Comey Desperately Claims He Has 'Sudden Onset Court Anxiety' and Must Stay Home to Water His Imaginary Plants

CHARLOTTE, NC - In a stunning turn of events that has left legal experts scratching their heads and checking their calendars to make sure it isn't April Fool's Day, former FBI Director James Comey has filed an emergency motion to cancel his upcoming court appearance, claiming he has suddenly developed a rare condition called 'Acute Courtroom Aversion Syndrome.'

According to court documents obtained by reporters, Comey's legal team argues that their client has become 'inexplicably terrified' of wooden benches, the sound of gavels, and 'any building with more than three marble columns.' The motion, which spans 47 pages and includes crayon drawings of sad face emojis, also states that Comey must remain at home to care for his 'extensive collection of rare imaginary houseplants.'

'My client is experiencing severe symptoms whenever he thinks about entering a courtroom,' explained Comey's attorney, Reginald Butterworth III, while wearing what appeared to be a fake mustache and sunglasses. 'He breaks out in hives, starts reciting FBI procedural manuals backwards, and compulsively reorganizes his sock drawer by thread count.'

Dr. Millicent Fakename, a fictional psychiatrist who definitely exists, provided a medical opinion supporting Comey's condition. 'In my completely real 30 years of practice, I have never seen such a severe case of someone being allergic to accountability,' Dr. Fakename stated through a spokesperson who was suspiciously tall and had an unusually prominent chin.

The motion further claims that Comey has been prescribed a strict regimen of 'avoiding all legal proceedings' and must spend his days writing strongly-worded tweets and tending to his collection of invisible orchids, which apparently require hourly attention and can only be watered with tears of frustration.

Local courthouse janitor Eddie Martinez expressed confusion about the situation. 'I've been cleaning these floors for 20 years, and I ain't never seen nobody get sick from marble columns. Maybe he's just scared of the vending machine in the lobby - that thing ate my dollar last Tuesday.'

When reached for comment, a person claiming to be Comey's identical twin brother 'Jomes' called our newsroom to explain that the real James was 'definitely too busy being very sick with court-itis to attend any legal proceedings, ever, for any reason.'

The judge assigned to the case has reportedly responded to the motion with a single-word order: 'LOL.'