GOP Lawmakers Demand Iran War Come With Instruction Manual After Admitting They Haven't Read Fine Print

WASHINGTON—Following what sources described as a "deeply unsatisfying" Pentagon briefing, a bipartisan group of House Republicans announced Thursday they are demanding the Iran war come with a comprehensive instruction manual, complete with numbered steps and an estimated assembly time.

"When I bought my outdoor grill last summer, it came with a 47-page manual explaining every bolt and washer," said Rep. Mike Johnson (R-LA), waving a crumpled piece of paper. "But apparently we're supposed to figure out this whole war thing with just a vague PowerPoint about 'regional stability' and a map with some arrows on it?"

The lawmakers expressed particular frustration that the Department of Defense failed to provide a clear timeline for completion, unlike most home improvement projects which typically include helpful estimates such as "2-4 hours" or "weekend project."

"I specifically asked if this was more of a 'quick regime change' situation or a 'major renovation' type deal," explained Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH). "They just kept saying things like 'it's complicated' and 'geopolitics don't work that way.' That's exactly what the guy at Home Depot said about my bathroom tiles, and look how that turned out."

Pentagon officials reportedly attempted to explain that military conflicts don't typically come with user-friendly guides, prompting Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) to suggest they "maybe try watching some YouTube tutorials" before committing to future wars.

At press time, several GOP members were reportedly drafting legislation requiring all military interventions to include a customer service hotline and a 30-day return policy.