Indonesian Molucca Sea Diagnosed with Severe Case of the Hiccups, Accidentally Kills One Person While Trying to Say 'Excuse Me'

MOLUCCA SEA, Indonesia — The Molucca Sea was rushed to maritime therapy this week after experiencing what oceanographers are calling "the most violent case of hiccups in recorded aquatic history," resulting in one fatality and a small tsunami that local officials described as "really more of an aggressive splash."

Dr. Marina Waverly, Chief of Oceanic Behavioral Studies at the Indonesian Institute of Temperamental Bodies of Water, explained that the sea had been holding its breath since 1976 in an attempt to cure a previous case of hiccups. "Unfortunately, when it finally exhaled, it created a 7.4 magnitude burp that we initially mistook for an earthquake," Waverly said while adjusting her underwater stethoscope.

Local fisherman Budi Santoso, who witnessed the event, reported seeing the sea "puff up like a blowfish" before making what he described as "the sound of a whale trying to apologize." The resulting wave knocked over his boat and soaked his sandwich, leading him to file the first-ever insurance claim for "oceanic bad manners."

The Indonesian government has announced plans to hire a team of marine speech therapists to teach the nation's surrounding waters proper etiquette. "We're tired of our seas acting up every time they get indigestion," said Minister of Aquatic Affairs Dewi Lautan. "It's embarrassing when we have tourists."

Meanwhile, the Molucca Sea has issued a formal apology through a series of gentle lapping sounds and has promised to take smaller sips when drinking from underwater springs. Seismologists are now monitoring the Java Sea, which has reportedly been clearing its throat ominously for the past three days.