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Investigators Reveal Marathon Runners Who Hit The Wall Were Warned About The Wall, Had Detailed Wall Briefing Packet

By dedododo Staff6/30/20263 min read
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Investigators Reveal Marathon Runners Who Hit The Wall Were Warned About The Wall, Had Detailed Wall Briefing Packet

WASHINGTON — A peer-reviewed investigation published Tuesday by the Institute for Athletic Gesture Analysis has concluded what many in the scientific community had long suspected but were reluctant to formalize: athletes who point to the sky after scoring are, without question, talking to somebody up there, and that somebody appears to be talking back.

The 340-page report, which analyzed over 1.2 million post-score gestures across professional football, baseball, soccer, and one particularly expressive tennis match from 2019, found a statistically improbable rate of continued pointing, suggesting the exchange is ongoing and substantive.

"What we observed was not a gesture of gratitude," said Dr. Phyllis Morante, the study's lead author and chair of Applied Scoreboard Semiotics at the University of Northern Delaware. "It was a handshake. A confirmation ping. These athletes are completing a transaction, and frankly, we don't know what they're getting in return."

Experts were quick to explain the mechanism behind the phenomenon, despite having no verified mechanism to explain.

"The index finger, when extended upward at a 70-to-90-degree angle immediately following a successful athletic outcome, functions essentially as an antenna," explained Dr. Roland Fuess, a biomechanical communications specialist who has published widely on what he calls 'directional praise aerodynamics.' "We've run the numbers. The signal goes up. Something receives it. We are not in a position to speculate on what responds, but we are very much in a position to be uncomfortable about it."

The findings have sent shockwaves through major sports leagues, most of which issued statements confirming they were aware of the pointing and had assumed it was decorative.

The NFL released a three-sentence memo Wednesday noting that the League "takes gesture integrity seriously" and has referred the matter to a subcommittee, which is itself being referred to a slightly larger subcommittee. Major League Baseball declined to comment but was observed pointing upward shortly after the call went to voicemail.

FIFA, when reached for comment, acknowledged that the practice had been occurring "across all affiliated nations for several decades" and confirmed that no one had thought to ask about it until now.

"In hindsight, the volume of pointing should have prompted earlier inquiry," said FIFA spokesman Gregor Hantsch, staring at a fixed point slightly above the reporter's head. "We are convening a panel. The panel will have a chair. The chair will have a gavel. We feel strongly that the gavel is the right next step."

Not all researchers agree the situation requires intervention. Dr. Simone Brackwell, a contrarian sports anthropologist at Tucson Polytechnic, argued that the pointing might simply reflect cultural habit, personal belief, and human emotion in a moment of triumph.

She was asked to leave the symposium.

"Her methodology was sound but deeply inconvenient for the purposes of this investigation," Dr. Morante confirmed.

The Institute's report concludes with a formal recommendation that all professional sports leagues establish a Sky Communication Disclosure Protocol requiring athletes to file, within 48 hours of each point, a brief summary of what was communicated, whether a response was received, and whether the response constituted an unfair competitive advantage.

Implementation is expected to begin never, sources said.

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