Judge Rules That RFK Jr. Overstepped on Everything, Literally Everything

WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented 847-page ruling that legal scholars are calling "exhaustively petty," Federal Judge Margaret Thornberry has determined that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has "wildly and repeatedly overstepped" his authority not just on transgender care, but on virtually every topic he has ever discussed, breathed near, or thought about.

The ruling, which provides temporary relief for 21 states, 47 local school boards, 12 grocery stores, and one very confused golden retriever, specifically prohibits Kennedy from making decisions about gender-transition care, vaccine policy, whale carcasses, and "any future attempts to speak with that voice."

"Mr. Kennedy has clearly exceeded the bounds of reasonable human behavior," wrote Judge Thornberry, who spent 23 pages of the ruling just listing times Kennedy had overstepped, including "that incident with the bear," "whatever happened with the whale," and "every single thing he said between 2019 and 2024."

The injunction temporarily restores federal funding to hospitals providing gender-transition care while also mandating that Kennedy undergo a comprehensive "staying in your lane" training program led by a panel of actual doctors, several bemused falcons, and his cousin Caroline, who will teach a seminar titled "How to Be a Kennedy Without Embarrassing the Entire Family Legacy."

Kennedy's legal team filed an immediate appeal, written entirely in crayon on napkins from a Whole Foods, arguing that the judge "doesn't understand his connection to nature" and that "the whale told him it was okay."

The ruling is expected to remain in effect until Kennedy can demonstrate he understands the difference between "medical expertise" and "things I read on the internet while researching whether birds are government surveillance drones."