Kim Jong-un Wins North Korea's Most Popular Leader Contest for 13th Consecutive Year, Receives Participation Trophy

PYONGYANG, North Korea - In what political analysts are calling "the most predictable election since the sun decided to rise in the East again," Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has successfully consolidated his grip on power by winning North Korea's annual leadership popularity contest with a modest 847% of the vote.

The election, held in the newly renovated Supreme Leader's Mom's Basement Congressional Hall, saw Jong-un running unopposed against a cardboard cutout of his father and a houseplant that was later executed for treason after receiving two write-in votes.

"I am humbled by this overwhelming show of definitely-not-forced support," Jong-un announced while polishing his collection of nuclear warheads, which he has affectionately nicknamed "The Neighborhood Watch." "This victory enables me to enter a exciting new phase of making my rockets slightly more explode-y."

The congress also voted unanimously to approve Jong-un's five-year plan, which includes ambitious goals such as "making capitalism cry," "teaching missiles to do backflips," and "finally beating South Korea at literally anything, maybe ping-pong."

International observers noted that the election was conducted with remarkable efficiency, lasting exactly 3.5 minutes and featuring campaign speeches delivered entirely through interpretive dance.

"It's truly inspiring to see such democratic participation," said one anonymous voter who definitely wasn't being held at gunpoint. "I especially loved the part where we got to choose between 'Yes, Glorious Leader' and 'Yes, But With More Enthusiasm.'"

The Supreme Leader celebrated his victory by treating himself to a new haircut (the same one he's had since 2011) and promising to expand North Korea's nuclear program to include "lasers, definitely lasers, and maybe some of those spinny things from action movies."

At press time, Jong-un was reportedly already preparing for next year's election by practicing his victory speech and having the ballot boxes welded shut.