Landmark Study Finds That Saying 'Almost There' On A Road Trip Is Statistically Proven To Add 45 Minutes To Any Journey

ATLANTA, GA — In what epidemiologists are describing as 'the most preventable crisis we have ever chosen to study instead of other things,' the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a formal Public Safety Alert on Thursday warning that the practice of leaving one solitary, tragic bite of food on a dinner plate — widely understood to signal that one is 'not a pig' — has been conclusively identified as a recognized psychiatric condition with measurable societal consequences.

The disorder, formally catalogued in a 340-page supplemental annex to the DSM-6 Pre-Release Draft as Performative Restraint Alimentary Disorder, or PRAD, is characterized by a compulsive need to leave behind a single bite of pasta, a lone shrimp, or what researchers grimly refer to as 'the last sad piece of garlic bread' in order to avoid appearing gluttonous in social settings.

'What we found was genuinely alarming,' said Dr. Fenwick Grubb, lead researcher at the CDC's newly formed Division of Mealtime Behavioral Anomalies, which was apparently funded. 'Across a 14-year longitudinal study of 80,000 participants, we documented nearly 4.7 billion abandoned bites of food — collectively enough calories to fuel a mid-sized European nation, or at minimum, reopen an Applebee's in rural Ohio.'

The CDC is urging Americans not to panic, but also to panic a little, as officials stress that the cumulative psychological toll of performing satiety one does not actually feel has resulted in what Dr. Grubb's team calls 'a nation of secretly hungry people sitting next to plates of food they chose to abandon for absolutely no reason.'

'There is no medical, nutritional, or logical basis for the one-bite rule,' confirmed Dr. Agatha Millburn, a behavioral nutritionist at Johns Hopkins who has written three books on the subject and would very much like you to read them. 'Nobody is watching you. Nobody cares. Eat the shrimp. For the love of God, eat the shrimp.'

The alert outlines four stages of PRAD severity, ranging from Stage One ('Leaves a single crouton as a formality') to Stage Four ('Deliberately cuts food into smaller pieces to make the plate look fuller while consuming less, maintaining rigid eye contact with dinner companions as if daring them to comment'). Officials estimate that approximately 34 percent of the American population is currently operating at Stage Three or above.

The advisory further warns that PRAD disproportionately affects people at buffets, office holiday parties, and first dates at restaurants with open-concept kitchens where one feels 'observed by the chef personally.'

As a precautionary measure, the CDC is recommending that all Americans complete a brief self-assessment available at cdc.gov/eatthelaststuff, and that anyone who has left behind a piece of birthday cake 'to be courteous' contact a licensed counselor within 72 hours.

'This is a public safety issue,' Dr. Grubb said at a press conference, gesturing to a laminated poster of a single cold french fry sitting alone in a cardboard sleeve. 'That fry had a family. And more importantly, you paid for it.'

The White House has not yet issued a formal response, though an unnamed senior official confirmed that the President's own plate was 'completely clean, and frankly had been licked,' which aides described as 'a tremendous show of leadership in these difficult times.'