Local High School Achieves Rare Triple Crown of Extinct Diseases, Parents Demand Achievement Banner

BROOMFIELD, CO — In what epidemiologists are calling "an unprecedented achievement in reverse medical progress," Broomfield High School has officially been declared a UNESCO World Heritage Site for Disease Preservation after successfully resurrecting measles for the third time this semester.

The school's Parent-Teacher Association has petitioned the district to hang a celebratory banner reading "2024 Regional Champions: Most Creative Approach to Herd Immunity" in the gymnasium, citing their children's pioneering work in what they're calling "immune system CrossFit."

"We're not just raising children here, we're raising little biological time travelers," beamed PTA president Karen Wellmeaning, whose unvaccinated son Braxton was patient zero. "While other schools are stuck in the boring present with their 'modern medicine' and 'basic public health measures,' our kids are getting hands-on experience with authentic 19th-century childhood!"

The Centers for Disease Control has reportedly updated their threat level system to include a new category: "Aggressively Nostalgic," specifically created for Broomfield High School.

Superintendent Dr. Margaret Facepalm announced that the school will now offer an elective course called "Applied Epidemiology: A Hands-On Approach," where students can earn extra credit by contracting diseases that were eradicated before their grandparents were born.

"Next semester, we're hoping to add polio to our curriculum," Wellmeaning added enthusiastically. "It's all about giving our children that authentic, pre-vaccine experience that builds character."