Local Man Insists Roundabout He's Been Driving In For 45 Minutes Is 'Just A Really Long Straight Road'

CRESTWOOD HEIGHTS — Local resident and self-described 'pretty good driver, actually' Gary Phelps remained completely confident Tuesday that the circular road he has been navigating for the better part of an hour is, in his words, 'one of those long scenic routes that just keeps curving a little bit.'

Phelps, who entered the Maple Avenue Traffic Circle at approximately 2:15 PM while attempting to locate a Bed Bath & Beyond, told reporters via a shouted conversation through his car window during his 31st lap that everything was 'totally under control' and that he expected to 'hit the highway pretty soon here.'

'I've definitely seen that Arby's before, but that's just because there are a lot of Arby's,' said Phelps, gesturing confidently at the single Arby's he has passed 31 times. 'This is America. They're everywhere. That proves nothing.'

Authorities first became aware of the situation when traffic engineer Donna Szymanski noticed an unusual pattern on the roundabout's monitoring system that she described as 'a single beige Toyota Camry just absolutely refusing to exit.'

'In my 22 years of traffic management, I have never seen anything like this,' said Szymanski, shaking her head slowly. 'He has had 31 separate opportunities to take Elm Street, 31 opportunities to take Route 9, and at least four chances to pull into a parking lot and cry. He has taken none of them.'

A traffic psychologist from the nearby Crestwood Community College, Dr. Reginald Fitch, was called to the scene to assess the situation and offered what he called a 'preliminary diagnosis.'

'What we're witnessing is a fascinating intersection of male navigational stubbornness and a fundamental misunderstanding of Euclidean geometry,' said Dr. Fitch, peering through binoculars as the Camry completed another loop. 'Mr. Phelps has constructed an entire alternate reality in which circles do not exist. Frankly, it's impressive. Horrifying, but impressive.'

Phelps' wife, Carol, was notified at approximately 3:40 PM and reportedly said only 'yep' before returning to her book.

'I told him to use the GPS,' Carol Phelps said in a brief phone interview. 'He said, and I want to be very precise here, that the GPS is for people who don't know where they're going. He said this while leaving for a place he had never been. I have nothing more to add.'

Bystanders have reportedly begun gathering on the sidewalk near the roundabout, several of whom have brought lawn chairs and one of whom is selling hot dogs. Local teenager Brianna Kowalczyk, 16, said she has been watching for two hours and described the experience as 'better than anything on Netflix right now, honestly.'

As of press time, Phelps had completed 38 laps, briefly made eye contact with a police officer stationed at the circle's second exit, gave the officer a thumbs up, and continued driving. He was reportedly seen checking his mirrors with the calm, measured confidence of a man who has absolutely no idea what is happening but will not be acknowledging that under any circumstances.

The Bed Bath & Beyond closed in 2023.