Local Man Predicts All 17 Giants 2026 Games Using Only Vibes, A Ouija Board, And His Uncle's Bad Knee

NEW YORK — In what experts are calling 'the most confident use of zero information ever recorded,' local sports blogger Dale Pemberton, 34, published a 4,000-word breakdown Tuesday predicting every single New York Giants game of the 2026 season, a season that has not yet been scheduled, for a team whose roster does not yet exist, in a league year that hasn't happened.

'Week 1: Giants win, 24-17,' Pemberton wrote with the calm authority of a man who once correctly guessed the price of a used Toyota on The Price Is Right. 'I just feel it in my bones. Also my uncle's knee is acting up, which historically means a home victory.'

Pemberton's 47-page document, titled 'INSTANT PREDICTIONS: All 17 Games (FINAL, DO NOT EDIT),' relies heavily on what he calls a 'multi-modal forecasting system,' which sources confirm is just him staring at a blank schedule template while eating a Hot Pocket.

'Week 6 is a loss,' he explained during a phone interview, pausing to sneeze. 'I consulted the Ouija board and it spelled out L-O-S-S, which is either a prediction or my roommate messing with me again. Either way, I'm going with it.'

The article, which has received 14 clicks — four of which were Pemberton himself checking if the formatting looked right — has been praised by absolutely no one but has nonetheless been described by Pemberton as 'basically a public service.'

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has not commented on the predictions, primarily because he is not aware they exist, but sources say that if he were made aware, he 'probably still wouldn't care.'

At press time, Pemberton had already begun working on his 2027 predictions, confidently declaring Week 9 'a tough road game atmosphere' based on a dream he had about a parking lot.