Local Man's CrossFit Enthusiasm Reaches Dangerous New Level After Crashing Fireworks-Loaded Honda Into Gym

PORTLAND, OR — In what bomb disposal experts are calling 'the most unnecessarily complicated gym membership cancellation ever,' local fitness enthusiast Derek Blastman crashed his Honda Civic packed with leftover Fourth of July fireworks into the FitZone Athletic Club Saturday morning.

Blastman, who witnesses described as 'really intense about his macros,' allegedly told bystanders he was 'just trying to add some spark to leg day' before police cordoned off the area.

'This is definitely the most complex scene I've ever dealt with,' said bomb technician Officer Maria Santos, carefully extracting a Roman candle wedged between two protein powder containers. 'We've got bottle rockets, sparklers, and what appears to be a homemade pre-workout supplement that's somehow more volatile than the actual explosives.'

Gym manager Todd Flex expressed confusion about the incident, noting that Blastman had been a member for three years and 'seemed pretty normal, except for that time he tried to bench press while wearing a weighted vest filled with energy drinks.'

'Derek always said he wanted his workouts to be 'explosive,' but we thought he meant metaphorically,' said fellow gym member Jessica Kale. 'Though in hindsight, the fact that he always arrived in full tactical gear should have been a red flag.'

Blastman's attorney released a statement claiming his client was simply 'misunderstood' and had been planning a 'surprise birthday party for his personal trainer' that 'got a little out of hand.'