Local Man's Garage Door Opener More Effective at Opening Strait of Hormuz Than Entire UAE Military

HORMUZ STRAIT — In a stunning turn of events that has left international diplomats scratching their heads, suburban dad Gary Pemberton's aging garage door opener has accomplished what decades of military posturing could not: effortlessly opening the Strait of Hormuz with the simple press of a button.

'I just pointed the remote at the water and hit the button like I do every morning,' explained Pemberton, 52, who was visiting the region on a discount cruise package. 'Next thing I know, the whole strait just kind of... opened up. Made the same grinding noise my garage door makes, too.'

The UAE military, who had been preparing elaborate naval maneuvers to force the strait open, immediately requisitioned Pemberton's device after witnessing tankers sailing through the newly widened waterway in perfect formation.

'We've been approaching this all wrong,' admitted UAE Admiral Hassan Al-Confused. 'Turns out you don't need aircraft carriers and destroyers. You just need a guy from Ohio with a universal remote and the audacity to try it.'

Meanwhile, President Trump has postponed his planned address to the nation, instead tweeting a photo of himself pointing various TV remotes at a map of the Middle East with the caption 'Testing new foreign policy tools. Bigly effective!'

Pemberton, meanwhile, is reportedly frustrated that his actual garage door still won't open properly, requiring him to duck-walk under it every morning while an entire maritime chokepoint responds flawlessly to his commands.