Local Man Who Can't Even Operate TV Remote Confident He Can Single-Handedly Rig Entire National Election

WASHINGTON — In a stunning display of misplaced confidence, former President Donald Trump continues to assert that he alone can orchestrate the most complex election fraud scheme in American history, despite being a man who sources say once spent 45 minutes trying to unmute himself on a Zoom call.

Trump, who allegedly still refers to his smartphone as "the cyber," has reportedly been assuring supporters that he has the technological sophistication to manipulate voting machines, hack databases, and coordinate fraud across thousands of polling locations, even though White House staff confirm he never learned to send emails without typing in all caps.

"It's remarkable, really," said political analyst Dr. Sarah Mitchell. "Here's someone who thinks you need to restart his computer by unplugging the monitor, yet he's convinced millions of Americans that he's capable of executing a nationwide conspiracy involving hundreds of thousands of election workers, complex voting software, and precise vote manipulation across multiple time zones."

Insiders report that Trump has been sketching out elaborate election interference plans on napkins, most of which appear to involve "getting the voting guy on the phone" and "doing some internet stuff to the numbers."

"He keeps talking about 'hacking the mainframe' like he's in a 1980s movie," revealed one anonymous Republican operative. "Last week he asked if we could just 'delete the Democrats from the computer.'"

When pressed for specifics about his alleged election manipulation capabilities, Trump reportedly responded, "I know computers. I have the best computers. Some people say I'm like a cyber expert, maybe better than the cyber experts." He then allegedly asked an aide to help him find the "any key" on his keyboard.

At press time, Trump was confidently explaining to supporters how he plans to "hack all the votes" right after someone helps him figure out why his iPad stopped working when he put it in the dishwasher.