Local Man Who Coached Professional Athletes Shocked to Discover College Players Need to Attend Classes

CHAPEL Hill, NC - Former NBA coach Michael Malone expressed bewilderment this week upon discovering that his new college basketball players are required to attend actual academic classes during the day, sources confirmed.

'Wait, so they have to do homework AND basketball?' Malone reportedly asked athletic director Bubba Cunningham during his first staff meeting. 'Like, math homework? On purpose?'

The revelation came as a shock to Malone, who spent years coaching grown men whose only educational requirement was knowing which city they were playing in that night.

'In the NBA, if a player was tired, it was because he stayed up too late playing video games or counting money,' Malone explained. 'Here, apparently, they're tired because they were up all night studying for something called a 'midterm.' I thought that was a basketball position.'

Malone joins a long list of former NBA coaches who have struggled with the transition to college basketball, including Larry Brown, who famously tried to trade three freshmen to Duke for a bag of practice basketballs, and Kevin Young, who was reportedly confused why his players kept asking for 'spring break' when it wasn't even broken.

'The hardest part is remembering that these kids have bedtimes,' said former NBA coach turned college assistant Rick Pitino Jr. 'In the pros, if I wanted to call a 2 AM practice, guys would show up. Here, I have to check with someone called an 'RA' first.'

At press time, Malone was seen frantically googling 'what is a semester' and 'can I bench a player for bad grades.'