Local Soccer Team Confirms They Are Indeed Still Playing Soccer, Experts Baffled by Concept of 'Sports Happening'

LOS ANGELES — In a groundbreaking discovery that has sent shockwaves through the scientific community, Los Angeles Football Club announced Monday that they have conclusively proven soccer is still a sport that exists and can be played by humans.

"We weren't entirely sure this whole 'soccer' thing was real until we showed up and there was indeed a ball, and it was indeed round," said LAFC head coach Steve Cherundolo, staring in wonder at his own feet. "Then we discovered we could kick it, and when we kicked it toward that big rectangular thing with the net, sometimes people cheered."

The revelation came during what scientists are calling "Matchday 1," a mysterious phenomenon where multiple groups of people simultaneously gathered in large outdoor rectangles and began running around for 90 minutes. Red Bull New York reportedly made the additional shocking discovery that young people can also participate in this activity, leading to what researchers are dubbing a "youth movement."

"We brought some kids, and they also had legs," said RBNY sporting director Jochen Schneider, visibly amazed. "The legs worked just like adult legs, but smaller. We're still trying to understand the implications."

Miami, meanwhile, spent the entire match trying to figure out what the white lines on the ground meant, sources confirm.

The Department of Obvious Sports Phenomena has launched a full investigation into whether other activities, such as "running" and "jumping," might also qualify as athletic endeavors.