Man Rescued From Cave Immediately Disappoints Rescuers By Asking If They Brought Snacks

LAOS — In what experts are calling 'the most ungrateful cave rescue in recorded history,' a man identified as Mued was successfully extracted from an ancient gold mine in Laos on Thursday after nine agonizing days underground, only to immediately ask his physically and emotionally devastated rescue team whether anyone had thought to bring 'at least some crackers or something.

'We swam through 984 feet of pitch-black, jagged, flesh-shredding rock tunnels,' said lead rescue diver Henri Bouchard, visibly trembling. 'We lost three wetsuits, two flashlights, and whatever sense of wonder I had left in my soul. And the first thing he says to us — the FIRST thing — is 'did you bring chicharrones?'

Mued, who sources confirm is 'doing fine, still has strength,' reportedly greeted his rescuers with the energy of a man who had just woken up from a refreshing nap rather than someone who had spent over a week eating cave moss and reconsidering every life decision that led him to an abandoned Laotian gold mine.

'Estoy bien, sigo con fuerzas,' Mued reportedly announced cheerfully upon seeing rescuers, which translates roughly to 'I'm good, still got energy,' a statement that rescue team psychologist Dr. Anita Varga described as 'honestly a little rude given the circumstances.'

The rescue operation, which took eleven days to plan and involved seventeen international diving specialists, a structural engineer, two monks, and a very flexible Belgian man named François, was originally estimated to take weeks. Mued reportedly sped up the process by helpfully suggesting rescuers 'try going left' through a tunnel that experts had previously deemed 'physically impossible for a human spine to navigate.'

'He just sort of squeezed through like a sentient tube of toothpaste,' said diver Bouchard. 'Meanwhile I have a bruise on my left kidney that I'm pretty sure has its own heartbeat now.'

Authorities say the remaining six trapped individuals have been informed of Mued's successful rescue and are reportedly 'inspired,' though one unnamed member of the group was overheard saying through a rock fissure that Mued 'always had to make everything about himself.'

Mued has since been taken to a local hospital where he is in stable condition, reportedly already asking nurses if the Wi-Fi password is something 'easy to remember' and whether his room gets good natural light.