Satire · Fiction for entertainment

Man Who Ran Nation's Health Department Now Wants To Run Nation's Largest State, Still Not Sure What He Actually Wants

By dedododo Staff•6/6/2026•2 min read

SACRAMENTO, CA — In what political analysts are calling 'a completely predictable next step for a man who cannot stop getting promoted,' former Health and Human Services Secretary Xavier Becerra has successfully advanced to California's general election for governor, apparently deciding that overseeing the healthcare of 330 million Americans simply wasn't enough of a challenge.

'I managed the health of an entire nation,' Becerra told a crowd of supporters at a Sacramento rally, loosening his tie dramatically. 'Now I want to manage the health of only 39 million people. This is called scaling back. This is called balance.'

Becerra, who previously served as California's Attorney General before being tapped by President Biden to run HHS, confirmed that his long-term career plan is 'basically just to be in charge of every single governmental body in existence, one at a time, in descending order of size.'

Political strategist Donna Whitmore called the advancement 'absolutely unsurprising for a man whose LinkedIn profile has more titles than a medieval king.' She added, 'At some point we have to ask: Xavier, buddy, where does it end? City comptroller of Fresno? Assistant regional manager of a DMV?'

When pressed on his platform, Becerra reportedly handed reporters a laminated card that simply read: 'Whatever California needs, I have previously been in charge of something larger, so I've got it covered.'

Becerra is currently leading in polls among voters who 'just like a guy who keeps getting jobs' and is trailing slightly among voters who 'want to know literally anything else about him.'

The general election will be held this fall. Becerra has already reportedly begun drafting applications for 'whatever comes after governor, just in case.'

More stories

PUBLIC SAFETY ALERT: Federal Legislator Continuity Oversight Commission Confirms That Senator Who Voted Against Bill Did Not Vote For It, Parliamentary Intent Analysts Warn Absence Of Affirmative Vote Was 'Nay-Adjacent, Constitutionally Logged, And Technically The Opposite Of Yes'

Federal investigators have issued a formal public safety advisory after a sitting U.S. Senator was found to have voted against a piece of legislation, confirming that the vote — recorded in the official congressional ledger as a 'Nay' — was, at the time of casting, not a 'Yea.' Concerned citizens are urged to remain calm.

Politics•3 min read

PUBLIC SAFETY ALERT: Interagency Pedestrian Directional Conflict Bureau Warns That Two People Attempting To Pass Each Other On A Narrow Walkway May Each Step The Same Way Simultaneously, Spatial Negotiation Officers Describe Impasse As 'Bilateral, Uncoordinated, And Deeply Personal Despite Involving A Stranger'

A newly formed federal task force has issued an emergency public safety alert warning Americans that the sidewalk passing problem has reached 'a national inflection point,' with analysts confirming the little dance has been observed in all 50 states and three U.S. territories.

Politics•3 min read

OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE: Federal Government Accidentally Holds All-Hands Meeting For All 2.3 Million Employees, Chief People Officer Confirms Attendance Was 'Mandatory, Logistically Catastrophic, And Somehow Still Missing Dave From Procurement'

The federal government held its first-ever mandatory all-hands meeting for all 2.3 million employees Tuesday, during which the audio cut out for forty minutes, three cabinet secretaries were placed in a waiting room, and the slide reading 'EXCITING NEWS ABOUT OUR CULTURE' auto-advanced before anyone could read it.

Politics•3 min read

← Back to Home