Mario Movie Success Causes International Shortage of Red Baseball Caps, Mustache Wax

MUSHROOM KINGDOM - Following record-breaking opening day numbers for The Super Mario Galaxy Movie, emergency sessions have been called at the United Nations to address the catastrophic worldwide shortage of red baseball caps and mustache grooming products.

"We've never seen anything like this," said Dr. Patricia Koopa, director of the International Hat Monitoring Agency. "Within hours of theaters opening, every sporting goods store from Tokyo to Toledo was stripped bare of red caps. People are literally fashioning hats out of pizza boxes and stop signs."

The crisis deepened when reports emerged of black market mustache wax selling for $500 per ounce, with desperate moviegoers attempting to craft facial hair using everything from yarn to steel wool. Three people in Minneapolis were hospitalized after trying to glue actual Italian sausages to their upper lips.

"My son saw the movie and now he won't stop trying to jump through our neighbor's flower pots," reported Linda Henderson of Boise, Idaho. "He's convinced they contain coins. Our homeowner's association is livid, and frankly, so are the flowers."

Nintendo stock has risen 847% as investors bet on the company's rumored plans to corner the global plumbing supply market. Meanwhile, the Italian government has issued a formal statement clarifying that shouting "WAHOO!" is not, in fact, proper Italian, despite what moviegoers emerging from theaters might believe.

President Biden is expected to address the nation tonight about the strategic mustache wax reserves.