Nation's Greatest Musical Minds Replaced By Lee Greenwood For Third Consecutive Year

WASHINGTON — In a bold artistic decision that music critics are describing as 'unprecedented' and 'deeply confusing,' President Donald Trump officially canceled the 'Freedom 250' concert series this week, replacing it with what the White House press office is billing as 'the greatest rally ever assembled in human history, possibly the universe.'

The event will feature Trump himself, Lee Greenwood, and according to an early press release, 'the energy of a thousand Woodstocks, but with more flags and better parking.'

'People come to me and they say, Sir, we don't need Beyoncé. We don't need Taylor Swift. We don't need any of these people,' Trump told reporters from the steps of the White House, wearing a blazer that appeared to be actively fighting him. 'What they want is Lee. And me. Mostly me. But also Lee. He's great. Very patriotic. Maybe the most patriotic.'

Greenwood, 82, who has performed 'God Bless the USA' at approximately 4,700 Trump events since 2015, said he was 'honored, as always' to participate, while quietly asking an aide if he could 'maybe sit down for this one.'

The cancellation comes after months of logistical challenges with the 'Freedom 250' concert series, including the discovery that 'Freedom 250' did not refer to the number of performers, as many had hoped, but was rather a number Trump had 'just really liked the sound of.'

Sources close to the administration confirmed that Trump had grown increasingly frustrated with the concert format after learning that some of the invited musical acts had their own fans, who occasionally chanted names other than his.

'He was watching a rehearsal and someone in the crowd yelled out a band member's name,' said one White House aide who requested anonymity. 'He stood up, said 'This isn't working,' and left. Four hours later we got the memo about Lee Greenwood.'

The new rally, tentatively scheduled for a date that is 'very soon, probably the best date ever chosen for anything,' will reportedly feature a 45-minute opening monologue from Trump, followed by Greenwood performing his one song, followed by Trump performing what aides describe as 'an encore, even though he wasn't technically the musical act.'

Tickets are free, though attendees are encouraged to bring their own shade, water, and willingness to hear 'God Bless the USA' performed up to eleven times.

At press time, Lee Greenwood had been informed he would be performing twelve times.