NBA Officials Confirm Shai Gilgeous-Alexander Now Legally Owns The San Antonio Spurs, Their Families, And All Associated Livestock

OKLAHOMA CITY — In what league officials are describing as 'a basketball situation that has crossed several legal and metaphysical boundaries,' Shai Gilgeous-Alexander has officially taken control of the Oklahoma City Thunder vs. San Antonio Spurs playoff series to such a degree that he now holds the deed to the Frost Bank Center, the rights to the name 'Tim Duncan,' and a controlling stake in every Spurs fan's retirement account.

'We've reviewed the tape extensively,' said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver at a somber press conference Monday, his tie visibly loosened. 'And at approximately 9:47 PM on Saturday night, Shai crossed a threshold from which there is no legal return. He now controls the series in ways our bylaws frankly did not anticipate. Our attorneys are looking into whether San Antonio is still a city or if it's just his.'

Gilgeous-Alexander, for his part, appeared unbothered, arriving to shootaround Tuesday in a bathrobe, sipping coffee, and occasionally gesturing vaguely at the Spurs bench the way a landlord points out which appliances are included.

'I mean, yeah,' he said, when asked to comment. 'It's mine. The series is mine. Those guys are cool though.' He then dribbled through three defenders who were not even on the court.

Most alarming to analysts is what happens during the stretches when Victor Wembanyama sits on the bench. Studies conducted by MIT's Department of Basketball Sciences confirm that without Wembanyama on the floor, the Spurs cease to exist in any meaningful physical sense, briefly becoming a philosophical concept rather than a basketball team.

'We put sensors on the Spurs bench players,' explained Dr. Patricia Gorman of MIT. 'When Wemby checks out, the sensors just... stop sending data. The players are still technically present, but in terms of measurable impact on the game, they register roughly the same as a decorative plant.'

Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich, who retired two years ago but continues to appear on the bench out of what players describe as 'habit and stubbornness,' reportedly spent most of Game 3 filling out paperwork to formally transfer the team's will to live directly to Wembanyama's locker.

'We've got a good group,' said acting Spurs coach Mitch Johnson, staring at nothing, his eyes carrying the vacant gaze of a man who has accepted his fate. 'We just need to find some things that work when Victor rests. Currently, those things include zone defense, prayer, and hoping Shai gets briefly interested in something else, like a bird or a balloon.'

Game 4 tips off Tuesday night at 9:30 PM ET, at which point Gilgeous-Alexander is expected to further consolidate his holdings, with sources indicating he has his eye on the Spurs' mascot, the Alamo, and the concept of southwestern cuisine.

Wembanyama, asked for comment, looked down at the assembled reporters from his full seven-foot-four height and said, simply, 'I am doing my best,' which caused four journalists to begin weeping openly.