New Fed Chair Hires Guy Who Wrote 'What If We Just Didn't Do That Anymore' Chapter Of Federal Reserve Manual

WASHINGTON — Declaring it 'a fresh start for American monetary policy,' newly appointed Federal Reserve Chair Kevin Warsh announced his first round of hires this week, headlined by economist and Project 2025 contributor Dr. Chad Flemmons, the author of the chapter titled 'The Fed: A Building Full of Desks That Could Honestly Just Be A Applebee's.'

'Chad brings a unique perspective to the institution,' Warsh said at a press conference held in the Fed's marble lobby, which Flemmons has already submitted a rezoning proposal to convert into a Cracker Barrel. 'He understands this place better than anyone. He's studied it. He's written about it. He has a dartboard with it on it.'

Flemmons, who reportedly accepted the position while audibly laughing, told reporters he is 'thrilled to finally be on the inside' and confirmed that his first order of business will be locating the interest rate lever and 'seeing what happens if you just yank it all the way.'

'I wrote extensively about how the Federal Reserve distorts natural market forces,' said Flemmons, unpacking a box of belongings into his new office, which included a framed photo of the gold standard, a snow globe of the 1890s, and a single uncooked potato. 'And now that I work here, I can tell you from firsthand experience — still bad. This place still bad. Day one, still bad.'

Other hires announced alongside Flemmons include a man who wrote the chapter titled 'Inflation: What If It Was Fine Actually,' a woman whose sole credential is having described Jerome Powell as 'a little too calm about things,' and an IT contractor who listed his previous experience as 'deleted the FDIC's Wikipedia page twice.'

Markets responded to the announcement by doing something described by analysts as 'a face,' with the Dow Jones dropping four percent before stabilizing once traders confirmed the Fed building had not yet been converted into a Cracker Barrel.

'We want to assure the American public that the Federal Reserve remains fully operational,' said a spokesperson, standing in front of a door that now has a hand-drawn sign reading 'ROOM WHERE MONEY DECISIONS HAPPEN — KNOCK FIRST.' 'Chair Warsh has assembled a team of brilliant, qualified individuals who are all very excited to be here and are definitely not taking measurements of anything.'

At press time, Flemmons had submitted his first official policy recommendation, a 200-page report titled 'What If Everyone Just Traded Corn,' which sources say Warsh described as 'a conversation starter.'