NFL Wide Receiver Enters Specialized Biting Rehabilitation Facility After Developing Taste for Human Shoulder Meat

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Rams wide receiver Puka Nacua has voluntarily admitted himself to the Betty Ford Center for Inappropriate Mastication, sources confirmed Tuesday, after developing what medical professionals are calling 'an uncontrollable urge to sample human deltoid muscle.'

The specialized 28-day program, which costs $47,000 and includes daily teeth filing sessions and anger management courses taught by reformed vampires, has treated dozens of professional athletes struggling with similar oral fixations.

'Puka came to us when he realized his pregame ritual of gnawing on towels had escalated to actual people,' said Dr. Melissa Fangsworth, the facility's chief therapist. 'We've seen this before. It usually starts with stress-eating mouthguards, then progresses to nibbling teammates during huddles.'

Teammates report that Nacua's biting incidents began innocuously during training camp, when he would playfully nip at players' jerseys. However, the behavior intensified after the season opener, when he allegedly mistook a Gatorade girl's shoulder for a particularly appetizing turkey leg.

'At first we thought it was just rookie hazing taken too far,' said Rams linebacker Bobby Wagner. 'But then he started rating us on flavor profiles and asking about our sodium intake. That's when we knew Puka needed help.'

The facility's innovative treatment program includes substituting human contact with specially designed shoulder-shaped chew toys and a strict diet of only foods that require aggressive biting, such as corn on the cob and oversized sandwiches.

Nacua is expected to return to the team in Week 12, pending successful completion of his anti-biting therapy and a clean dental exam.