NJ Governor Confirms All Problems In New Jersey Caused By People From Somewhere Else, New Jerseyans Shrug And Agree

TRENTON, NJ — In a landmark press conference that New Jerseyans are calling 'obviously true,' Governor Miriam Sherrill confirmed Monday what Garden State residents have long suspected: everything bad that has ever happened in New Jersey was caused by people from somewhere else.

'After a thorough investigation, we can confirm that most of those arrested at the Delaney Hall protest were from outside New Jersey,' Sherrill announced, gesturing to a map with a very long stick. 'This settles it. New Jersey is perfect. It's everyone else.'

The announcement triggered an immediate statewide investigation into other New Jersey problems, all of which were quickly attributed to outsiders. Traffic on the Turnpike? People from Connecticut. The smell near Exit 13? Definitely Pennsylvanians. Bad pizza? New Yorkers 'trying to be funny.'

'We've been saying this for years,' said lifelong New Jersey resident Frank Gabbiadini, pumping his own gas with visible resentment. 'Every single thing wrong with this state drove in from somewhere else. The rest of us are perfectly lovely.'

Governor Sherrill then unveiled a 47-point legislative plan called 'Operation You're Not From Here,' which would require all visitors to New Jersey to wear identifying badges, submit to a Springsteen knowledge quiz, and sign a legally binding affidavit confirming that if anything goes wrong, it's their fault.

Critics of the plan, all of whom are reportedly from Delaware, called the measure 'deeply concerning.' Governor Sherrill dismissed the criticism immediately.

'Of course they said that,' she noted. 'They're from Delaware.'

At press time, a New Jersey spokesperson confirmed that the Governor herself was technically born in Virginia, a detail officials are describing as 'irrelevant' and 'absolutely not funny.'