OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE: Tri-League Scoreboard Integrity Task Force Concludes That Points Added To A Team's Score Made That Team's Score Higher By The Amount Of Points That Were Added, Numerical Accumulation Analysts Describe Increase As 'Additive, Sequential, And Consistent With How Numbers Work'

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The NFL Franchise Relocation Continuity Bureau, a seventeen-member interagency body operating under the joint authority of the Department of Nonsense and the Office of Geographical Sports Accountability, convened an emergency all-hands meeting Tuesday to formally present findings confirming that the professional football franchise which relocated to a different city is now, by all available metrics, in that city.

The briefing, originally scheduled for forty-five minutes in Conference Room 4B, was relocated mid-session to the main auditorium after attendance swelled to include 1,400 bureau staffers, twelve interns who were not sure they were invited but came anyway, and a facilities technician named Gerald who was only there to fix the projector and stayed for the continental breakfast.

'After thirty-one months of rigorous geographic cross-referencing, stadium coordinate triangulation, and seventeen rounds of peer review, we are prepared to state with full institutional confidence that the team is there,' said Bureau Director Constance Pillworth, gesturing broadly at a slide reading 'THE TEAM: NOW THERE.' 'It is not here. It is there. The city they left does not have them. The city they went to does. This is the finding.'

The 847-page report, titled 'Confirming The Place Where The Team Is By Examining Where The Team Is,' includes four appendices, a fold-out map with an arrow on it, and a seventeen-page executive summary that sources describe as 'longer than necessary but shorter than the thing it summarizes.'

Dr. Flemming Burk, Senior Analyst of Municipal Sports Presence at the Institute for Confirming What Happened, called the findings 'a watershed moment for people who needed this confirmed.' 'What we are seeing here is a team that was somewhere and is now somewhere else,' Dr. Burk said. 'The original somewhere no longer contains them. That is a spatial reality we felt deserved documentation, a press release, and honestly a ribbon-cutting.'

The all-hands meeting itself drew immediate criticism after the Bureau's Chief People Officer, Renata Holsch, opened with a forty-minute 'energizer activity' requiring all 1,400 attendees to mime the act of moving to a new city before the findings were presented. Seventeen employees filed formal complaints. Four asked to be relocated to a different bureau. Two were already gone by the time anyone noticed.

Slide 12, which reportedly contained 'the most important chart,' was never reached.

'We will reconvene to cover slides 12 through 94 at a future all-hands, which will be mandatory, catered, and hopefully attended by someone with clicker experience,' Holsch told reporters following the session, adding that Dave from Procurement had again not been located.

The Bureau confirmed the report will be distributed to all 32 NFL franchises, with a cover letter reminding each team of its current city. A follow-up study is already underway examining whether the city the team left is aware the team has left, with preliminary findings expected to confirm that it is.