Peace Deal 'Almost Totally Almost Done,' U.S. Official Confirms, Adding That Everyone Has Agreed To Agree To Eventually Agree

GENEVA — In what officials are calling the most promising development in international relations since a moderately successful UN potluck in 2019, a U.S. diplomat confirmed Tuesday that a peace deal with Iran is 'tantalizingly close,' in the same way that retirement is tantalizingly close for a 34-year-old.

'We've made tremendous progress,' said Undersecretary of Something Important Gerald Fitch, visibly exhausted and wearing what appeared to be the same shirt he had on in photos from eleven days ago. 'Both sides have agreed in principle. The principle being, generally, that a deal would be good. We all feel very strongly about that principle.'

Sources familiar with the negotiations confirmed that Iran has committed to disposing of its highly enriched uranium, though exactly how, where, when, and in what sense of the word 'disposing' remains, quote, 'a fun little puzzle we're still working through.'

The agreement to reopen the Strait of Hormuz was similarly described as 'locked in,' 'basically locked in,' 'spiritually locked in,' and finally 'conceptually adjacent to being locked in,' across four separate press briefings held within the same hour.

'Look, nailing things down takes time,' Fitch explained at a press conference, gesturing broadly at a map on which someone had drawn a smiley face in red marker. 'You think IKEA furniture gets nailed down on the first try? No. You read the instructions, you put it together wrong, you cry a little, you start over. That's diplomacy. That's always been diplomacy.'

Iranian officials released a joint statement expressing 'cautious optimism,' which diplomacy experts confirmed is the international equivalent of a thumbs-sideways emoji.

When asked when exactly the deal would be signed, Fitch paused for a long moment, stared into the middle distance, and said, 'Days. It could take days. Or possibly more days after those days. We're really in a strong days-range scenario here.'

At press time, both sides had agreed to take a brief recess after Iran's lead negotiator discovered that the continental breakfast in the hotel lobby had been refreshed, and no one wanted to miss the good muffins.