Pittsburgh Pirates Promote Konnor Griffin to Assistant General Manager After He Correctly Guesses Captain's Favorite Parrot Color
PITTSBURGH - In a stunning front office move that has baseball analysts scratching their heads and reaching for their dictionaries, the Pittsburgh Pirates announced Tuesday that they are promoting 19-year-old prospect Konnor Griffin directly from Single-A ball to Assistant General Manager after he successfully identified that team mascot Pirate Parrot's favorite color is "seafoam green with hints of betrayal."
The promotion comes just days after Griffin impressed team executives during what he thought was a routine clubhouse visit, but was actually an elaborate psychological evaluation involving color swatches, parrot psychology, and a blindfolded taste test of different brands of hardtack.
"We've never seen raw front office talent like this," said Pirates GM Ben Cherington, adjusting his newly-required eyepatch. "When Konnor looked at our mascot and immediately knew his color preferences, we knew we had found our next franchise cornerstone. His batting average might be .247, but his parrot-reading average is off the charts."
Griffin, who was reportedly eating a turkey sandwich when informed of his promotion, will now be responsible for all trades involving players whose names start with vowels, negotiating contracts during full moons, and maintaining the team's new policy of conducting all meetings while standing on one leg.
"I thought they were asking me about my favorite Gatorade flavor," Griffin said during a press conference held in the stadium's broom closet. "But apparently I've been destined for management this whole time. My mom always said I had a gift for talking to birds, but I thought she meant literally."
The promotion makes Griffin the youngest executive in MLB history, surpassing the previous record holder who was 23 and had at least completed high school algebra.
In related news, the Pirates have also announced they will be conducting all future draft picks based entirely on how well prospects can whistle sea shanties.