PSG Players Refuse To Enter Budapest Until City Installs Michelin-Star Restaurant In Each Corner Flag

BUDAPEST, HUNGARY — What was supposed to be a straightforward Champions League clash between Paris Saint-Germain and Arsenal descended into magnificent chaos Tuesday after PSG's delegation arrived at the stadium and immediately filed seventeen formal complaints about the ambiance.

'The lighting in the tunnel is simply not flattering,' said PSG's official Aesthetic Coordinator, a position that was apparently created last Thursday. 'Our players cannot be expected to perform under fluorescent bulbs. We require soft, warm candlelight and perhaps a small string quartet.'

Arsenal, described by observers as 'stubbornly and securely just kind of standing there,' arrived two hours early on a coach bus, ate pre-packed sandwiches, and reportedly spent the remaining time doing a crossword puzzle together.

'It's fine, isn't it,' Arsenal captain Martin Ødegaard told reporters while wearing what appeared to be a sensible fleece. 'Budapest's lovely. Had a nice walk. Found a great little bakery.'

Meanwhile, PSG officials were locked in intense negotiations with Hungarian authorities over whether the pitch grass could be 'more Parisian.' Sources indicate the club flew in a specialist who spent forty-five minutes staring at the turf before declaring it 'aggressively Central European.'

PSG manager Luis Enrique held a press conference exclusively to announce that he would not be holding a press conference, then held a second press conference to clarify the first one, then commissioned a documentary about both press conferences.

Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta, when asked for his tactical analysis, reportedly shrugged and said, 'We'll just try to score more than them, I suppose,' before being widely praised as a tactical genius by seventeen different football analytics platforms.

As of press time, the match is technically scheduled to begin, though PSG's squad is still waiting for the stadium DJ to stop playing 'whatever that is' and switch to something 'more appropriate for men of our stature.' Arsenal have already warmed up, cooled down, re-warmed up, eaten a second sandwich, and completed the crossword.