Putin Rejects Peace Talks, Immediately Regrets It As St. Petersburg Gets Droned For Second Time This Week Like A Guy Who Ignores His Dentist

MOSCOW — In what diplomatic historians are already calling 'the most expensive game of hard-to-get in recorded human history,' Russian President Vladimir Putin once again rejected Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy's offer of peace talks Tuesday, a decision St. Petersburg immediately described as 'not great, actually.'

The Ukrainian drones, which sources close to the situation described as 'extremely punctual follow-uppers,' arrived over St. Petersburg for the second time this week, prompting Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov to release a statement confirming that President Putin had received the message but was 'choosing not to read it at this time.'

'Mr. Putin appreciates Ukraine's continued outreach,' Peskov told reporters while visibly sweating, 'but he remains committed to his position of standing very firm in a bunker somewhere we cannot disclose.'

Zelenskyy, for his part, confirmed he had attempted to reach Putin through official diplomatic channels, a strongly worded letter, a fruit basket, a LinkedIn connection request, and, most recently, the skies above Russia's second-largest city.

'We tried asking nicely,' Zelenskyy said in a video address, wearing his trademark olive green fleece, which fashion analysts note remains inexplicably more intimidating than anything Putin has worn since 2008. 'We are now asking in a slightly different format.'

Citizens of St. Petersburg, upon hearing the air raid sirens for the second time this week, reportedly checked their phones to see if Putin had responded to the peace offer yet.

He had not.

'I feel like maybe he should,' said one St. Petersburg resident who asked to remain anonymous because he enjoys breathing. 'Just a thought. From me personally. A resident. Of St. Petersburg.'

Kremlin insiders say Putin is holding out for better terms, specifically a peace deal that involves Ukraine 'ceasing to exist,' which Ukrainian negotiators described as 'a non-starter, along with being insane.'

As of press time, Zelenskyy's office confirmed a third follow-up message was 'in preparation,' and advised residents of St. Petersburg to perhaps consider reaching out to their president directly, possibly via strongly worded postcard.