Red Sox Players Suddenly Develop Chronic Kleptomania, Can't Stop Stealing Bases Under New Manager

BOSTON - In a shocking turn of events that has left MLB officials baffled, the Boston Red Sox have developed an unprecedented case of collective kleptomania, compulsively stealing bases at a rate that has tripled since Chad Tracy took over as manager.

"It started innocently enough," said team captain Rafael Devers, nervously eyeing second base from the dugout. "But now I can't even look at a base without getting the overwhelming urge to take it. Last night I tried to steal first base while I was already standing on it."

The team's sudden base-stealing spree has reached epidemic proportions, with players reportedly attempting to steal bases during batting practice, warm-ups, and even while sitting in the dugout. Third baseman Justin Turner was caught trying to stuff home plate into his equipment bag after Tuesday's game.

"We're dealing with something we've never seen before," said team psychologist Dr. Margaret Fielding. "Four stolen bases in one game might seem normal, but these players are showing classic signs of compulsive theft behavior. Yesterday, Xander Bogaerts tried to steal the opposing team's water cooler."

Manager Chad Tracy, who apparently triggered this unprecedented outbreak simply by showing up to work, has been forced to implement a buddy system to prevent players from wandering onto the field between innings to pilfer bases.

"I just told them to be more aggressive on the basepaths," Tracy said, watching helplessly as outfielder Alex Verdugo attempted to pickpocket the home plate umpire. "I didn't think they'd take it this literally."

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred has announced an emergency investigation into what experts are calling "The Great Boston Base Heist of 2024," though he admitted the league rulebook contains no provisions for this level of base-stealing addiction.