Residents Trapped In Municipal Roundabout Since 2022 Have Formed Functioning Society, Elect Own Mayor

MILLBROOK, OH — The traffic roundabout at the intersection of Millbrook Avenue and County Road 7 is functioning exactly as designed, officials with the Millbrook Department of Civil Engineering confirmed Tuesday, noting that the purpose of a roundabout is to keep traffic moving in a continuous loop, which this one is doing flawlessly.

The circle, which replaced a four-way stop sign that had operated without incident for 44 years, was constructed following a comprehensive two-year study recommending that the intersection be made, quote, 'more efficient.' Since its ribbon-cutting ceremony on April 3rd, 2022 — an event attended by the mayor, two city councilmembers, and a ribbon that had to be cut while moving — not one vehicle has successfully navigated an exit.

'What people need to understand is that a roundabout is a continuous flow system,' said Dr. Gerald Pfautz, a traffic systems engineer contracted by the city at $340 per hour. 'The cars are flowing. That's the win. Whether they're going where they intended to go is a secondary metric we're still developing.'

Currently, an estimated 340 vehicles are circling the roundabout at any given time, according to drone footage reviewed by this publication. Aerial observers report that many drivers have adapted remarkably well. A woman identified only as Linda has been orbiting since October of last year and has reportedly finished three audiobooks, learned conversational Portuguese, and started a small candle business through her driver-side window.

The roundabout features three exits, all of which traffic engineers describe as 'technically accessible' and 'right there.' A fourth exit was added in August 2023 after public outcry but has, according to municipal records, 'not yet been discovered by drivers.'

'The exits are clearly marked,' said Pfautz, gesturing at a diagram during a press conference that several attendees could not leave. 'The issue is a perceptual one. Drivers are yielding when they should be merging, and merging when they should be yielding, and in some cases just weeping, which is not a recognized traffic maneuver under Ohio state code.'

Millbrook city councilmember Don Heutter, who voted to approve the roundabout but now enters his office via helicopter, acknowledged that 'there have been some adjustment pains' but maintained that long-term data would vindicate the project. He was unable to cite a timeline for when that data would be collected, as the traffic study consultant assigned to gather it entered the roundabout in February and has been sending field notes via DoorDash driver.

Residents, meanwhile, are losing patience. A petition demanding the roundabout's removal has gathered over 4,200 signatures, though organizers note that 1,800 of those were collected from people currently circling it.

'I was just trying to get to the Kroger,' said Dale Friesen, reached by phone from what he described as 'my fourth consecutive loop,' speaking with the even, dissociated calm of a man who has made peace with something. 'The Kroger is right there. I can see it. I have been seeing it every 47 seconds for eleven months.'

The city has allocated $220,000 for a new public awareness campaign titled 'You Can Leave: A Guide to the Millbrook Roundabout,' scheduled to launch in the spring. The campaign brochure will be distributed at the roundabout's entrance.

No one has picked one up yet.