Senate Recess Officially Reclassified As 'Unscheduled Governance Pause,' Staff Advised To Log Hours Accordingly
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Federal Commission on Ceremonial Gestures and Their Binding Implications released a landmark 340-page report Tuesday concluding that handshakes performed at the conclusion of bill signings have never held legal standing, are not recognized under Title 2 of the United States Code, and may have been quietly undermining federal governance since at least the Fillmore administration.
The Commission, operating under the jurisdiction of the Department of Nonsense, confirmed that approximately 847 handshakes across 19 administrations have been retroactively categorized as 'Unverified Expressions of Goodwill,' a designation that carries no enforceable terms but does require each party to file a Form GW-114 acknowledging the gesture occurred and meant nothing.
'What we found was deeply procedural,' said Commission Chair Dr. Meredith Tollhouse, who has held the position since a 2019 executive order accidentally created it. 'In every instance reviewed, both parties appeared to believe the handshake was doing something. It was not. It was ambient. We have logged it as such.'
The report further notes that in 34 documented cases, the handshake was performed before the ink on the signing pen had dried, introducing what investigators termed a 'temporal ambiguity window' during which it remains unclear which agreement — the bill or the handshake — took precedence.
Legal scholars have expressed measured alarm.
'This opens a significant can of procedural worms,' said Professor Alan Brect of the Georgetown Institute for Governance Formalities. 'If the handshakes are void, then technically the warmth conveyed in those handshakes is also void, which means several decades of bipartisan sincerity may need to be re-examined at the committee level.'
The Department of Nonsense issued an accompanying memorandum advising all federal officials to 'refrain from handshakes pending issuance of updated ceremonial gesture guidelines, currently projected for Q2 of the next available fiscal year.' As an interim measure, officials are encouraged to 'offer a brief nod of moderate confidence' which carries equivalent legal weight — that is, none — but produces less paperwork.
The White House issued a statement Friday acknowledging the report, describing it as 'thorough, binding in spirit, and non-binding in every other respect.' Press Secretary officials confirmed the President had been briefed and had responded with what sources described as 'a firm thumbs-up,' which the Commission has already flagged for separate review.
Citizens impacted by a retroactively voided handshake may submit a grievance through the Commission's online portal, which is available Monday through Wednesday between the hours of 10:15 and 10:45 a.m., excluding federal holidays, observed federal holidays, and days when the portal is 'reflecting.'
The Commission will hold a public comment period lasting 30 days, during which submitted comments will be read, organized alphabetically, and filed in a cabinet described in internal documents only as 'the tall one.'