Sony Announces Spider-Man Reboot Will Feature Exclusively Invertebrates After Running Out of Human Actors

CULVER CITY, CA — In a bold move that has shocked absolutely no one familiar with Hollywood's creative bankruptcy, Sony Pictures announced Tuesday that their upcoming Spider-Man reboot will feature an entirely invertebrate cast after reportedly exhausting the global supply of human actors willing to portray the web-slinger.

"We've literally used every single person on Earth at this point," explained Sony Pictures Motion Picture Group Chairman Tom Rothman while nervously adjusting his tie made of what appeared to be actual spider silk. "Your neighbor, your mailman, that guy who makes your sandwich at Subway — they've all been Spider-Man. We even cast my grandmother, and she's been dead for fifteen years."

The studio's revolutionary casting approach comes after their previous attempt to use "new people" failed when it was discovered that all 7.8 billion humans had already signed Spider-Man contracts during previous reboots, including several fetuses who were contractually obligated to emerge from the womb wearing full Spider-Man costumes.

"We're particularly excited about our lead, a very talented garden spider named Gerald," Rothman continued. "Unlike human actors, Gerald actually produces his own web fluid, which will save us millions in CGI costs. Plus, he's never demanded a private trailer or complained about the catering."

The announcement comes on the heels of China's refusal to distribute "Spider-Man: No Way Home," reportedly because the film's climactic scene featuring the Statue of Liberty violated the country's strict "No Giant Green Ladies" policy.

"We completely understand China's position," said Rothman. "The Statue of Liberty is inherently threatening to nations that prefer their large monuments to be walls or terracotta armies. That's why our new film will feature Spider-Gerald protecting a massive golden statue of a dumpling instead."

Early test screenings have reportedly gone well, though focus groups noted some confusion during dramatic dialogue scenes where Gerald's lines consisted entirely of "*clicking mandible sounds*" with subtitles reading "With great power comes great responsibility to catch flies."