Sphinx Declared Official Winner After Usyk-Verhoeven Fight, Having Watched Silently For 4,500 Years Without Blinking Once

GIZA, EGYPT — In what boxing historians are calling 'the most ancient ringside controversy in the sport's history,' the Great Sphinx of Giza has been subpoenaed to provide its official scorecard following the disputed TKO stoppage of Oleksandr Usyk's heavyweight showdown against Rico Verhoeven, held directly in front of the Pyramids on Saturday night.

The Sphinx, who has maintained a neutral expression for approximately 4,500 years, was unavailable for immediate comment, which promoters interpreted as a sign of 'quiet but firm disapproval' of the stoppage.

'Look at that face,' said Top Rank promoter Bob Arum, gesturing at the 66-foot limestone monument. 'That's a man who has seen some controversial decisions. That's a man who watched the original fight and at least twelve rematches.'

Verhoeven's camp immediately filed an official protest, arguing that the fight should not have been stopped in the eleventh round and demanding the scorecards be reviewed by a panel that includes 'at least one structure that predates the unified scoring system.'

Usyk, for his part, celebrated by climbing atop the nearest pyramid, which Egyptian authorities confirmed was 'technically not allowed but also technically impossible to stop.'

The controversy deepened when it emerged that all three human judges had awarded different rounds to different fighters, while the Sphinx's scorecard — recovered from beneath 40 meters of sand — appeared to simply read 'THE PHARAOH WILL DECIDE' in hieroglyphics, stamped with an official seal dated 2494 BC.

'We're not sure this is legally binding,' admitted the World Boxing Association in a statement, 'but we're also not not going to honor it. You don't mess with that guy.'

Tourists who paid $4,200 per ticket for the event confirmed that the most exciting moment of the evening was not the fight itself, but the moment a camel wandered into the ring during round seven and briefly appeared to have better footwork than either competitor.

A rematch has already been announced, with promoters eyeing Stonehenge for the venue, though negotiations have stalled because Stonehenge 'refuses to sign anything and just stands there looking mysterious,' which promoters noted is 'basically the same as the Sphinx but with worse weather.'

At press time, the Sphinx had neither confirmed nor denied whether it scored the fight, but witnesses reported that its expression had shifted approximately 0.0000003 degrees, which Egyptologists confirmed was 'either a smile or the settling of ancient limestone, and at this point what's the difference.'