Spirit Airlines Announces Revolutionary New Business Model: Charging Customers $50 to Not Fly With Them

MIRAMAR, FL - In a stunning display of corporate innovation, Spirit Airlines announced today that instead of liquidating operations, they will pivot to their most profitable service yet: charging customers money to guarantee they won't have to fly Spirit.

"We've been doing market research for years by accidentally providing terrible service, and we've discovered that people will pay almost anything to avoid flying with us," said Spirit CEO Ted Christie, speaking from inside a cardboard box that serves as the airline's new headquarters after selling their building to pay debts.

The new "Anti-Spirit Premium Package" starts at $49.99 and guarantees customers will never accidentally book a Spirit flight. For an additional $29.99, customers can upgrade to the "Trauma Prevention Plan," which includes a restraining order preventing Spirit employees from making eye contact with them at airports.

"I would have paid double to avoid my last Spirit flight," said former customer Maria Rodriguez, who is still trapped in a middle seat from a 2019 flight that was supposed to land in Orlando but somehow ended up circling a Wendy's parking lot in Delaware. "This is actually their best business idea yet."

The airline plans to expand the service by offering $99 "Nightmare Insurance" policies that protect against Spirit's infamous hidden fees, such as the recently discovered $75 charge for thinking about carry-on luggage and the $120 "existing while on our plane" fee.

Spirit stock rose 400% on the news, though analysts note this only brought the share price up to $3.50.